Lola

 

(The Kinks are one of my favorite bands.)

Last night, I read the bible. I’m on the part where God almost kills Moses for not circumcising his son, Gershom, on the eighth day as Jewish law requires. Moses’s wife, Zipporah, saves the day by chopping off the boy’s foreskin. She then touches Gershom’s testicles with the bloody piece of flesh and accepts her position as a new member of the tribe by saying, “Now you are a bridegroom of the blood to me.” In other words, Moses and his family have officially put aside their Midianite customs and accepted the true faith.

Later, I turned on Fox News. A Federal Express driver from Memphis, Tennessee was stopped by five police officers at a traffic light. They beat living hell out of this guy and sent him to the hospital. Unfortunately, the victim died in the hospital due to his injuries. In other words, he was beaten to death. His name was Tyre Nichols, and he had a wife and kids. I’ve never been a huge fan of cops. The profession seems to attract a lot of assholes. Nevertheless, society needs them to maintain law and order. With that said, I would never sass an American police officer in a million years. Why? Because it’s hard to eat corn on the cob without any teeth.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and slept like a corpse. Then I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The price of gas and electricity in Korea has tripled this year. It’s a huge problem…especially for families. A lot of us don’t know how we're going to pay our bills. Some people have even set up tents in their living rooms in order to stay warm and save money.  These are the results of the green-energy madness currently ripping through the world like a crazy tornado. Freezing isn’t enough. They want us all to live in tree houses and ride to work on bikes. I kid you not.

Mom stepped into the kitchen at 9 a.m.

I said, “What’s on today’s agenda?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor for a checkup. If you come, I’ll take you to Waffle House.”

I smiled. “Hell yes, I’m coming. Those hash browns and bacon are perfect.”

We took her BMW and struck up a conversation along the way. Mom’s not a big fan of the transsexual revolution. She thinks it’s disgusting that men are now allowed to participate in female sports.

She said, “This country is going to hell in a handbasket.”

I shrugged. “The transvestite community really doesn’t bother me. Remember that song Lola by The Kinks? I used to love that tune. I played it over and over during my youth. In fact, I’m still a huge fan of the rock band. They were my first concert back in the day. I saw them in 1984.”

“Do you think it’s fair that girls can’t earn a scholarship because some dude with nuts is taking their spot on the swim team?”

I sighed heavily. “I’m ashamed to say this, but I find that transvestites are the only thing that keeps female sports interesting. For instance, I’d love to see a dude with a huge set of tits playing in the WNBA. I’d never miss a game.”

“Well, it’s still a free country. To each their own.”

It turns out that she aced her medical exam. The doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with her. This is great news. The poor old girl had a stroke three months ago. Luckily, it looks as if she’s on the road to recovery. Praise Jesus.