Diarrhea

(Mom is suffering from the squirts.)

Yesterday, I read the bible. I’m at the part where Jesus explains to his disciples that it’s never too late to join the party. He tells a parable about a guy who owns a vineyard and needs workers to pick the grapes. The owner hires some men in the morning and hires some more at noon and finally hires people at 3 p.m. Then he pays everybody the same wage at the end of the day. Needless to say, the men of the morning crew are a tad nonplussed for earning the same salary as the latecomers. But Jesus says that we should be happy for the success of our brothers and not waste our time pointing fingers at each other. It’s very powerful stuff.

Later, I turned on Fox News. General Jack Keane believes that the Ukrainians are going to defeat Russia in the current war. Yet this is the same guy who told us that things were going swimmingly in Afghanistan. Therefore, it’s not like you can trust Keane’s judgement. This is what I know. Ukraine is a small country, and so far Putin has killed 150,000 of its citizens. Pretty soon, there will be no one left to fight. We’ll be able to see how things shake out in the near future. The Russians are planning a huge offensive that is scheduled for the spring. I see a lot of tragic unnecessary bloodshed in the future. Maybe it’s time to get both sides to the negotiation table.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and slept like a corpse. Then I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. After that, I read the news on my smartphone while taking a shit. South Korea is finally dropping the national mask mandate on Monday. However, we will still be required to sport our face diapers in hospitals and on public transportation. It’s funny. I’m triple vaxxed, and I’ve been dutifully wearing my mask for the last three years. Nevertheless, I still caught the virus. Go figure.

Mom walked into the kitchen at 9 a.m. There was a look of pain on her face.

I said, “What’s the matter?”

She grimaced. “My diarrhea is back with a vengeance.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Are you afraid to drive my car?”

I shook my head. “Of course not. But if I get pulled over, my ass is grass. I don’t have an American driver’s license.”

“This is an emergency. Go to the store and get me some Gatorade.”

“Gatorade? Does that cure diarrhea?”

“No. But it helps with the dehydration.”

“Which store?”

“The one where Nurse Ken works.”

So I climbed into her BMW and pulled out of the driveway. I made sure to follow all the relevant laws. Luckily, it only took me five minutes to get to my destination. My son was busy stocking the shelves.

He said, “What are you doing here?”

I said, “Granny is suffering from explosive diarrhea. Where do you keep the Gatorade?”

“It’s in the cooler.” He pointed to the back of the establishment.

Thankfully, the beverage was on special. I was able to purchase four medium-sized bottles for eleven dollars. As I was walking toward the cash register, a young blonde stepped in front of me. She had blue eyes and a pretty smile.

She said, “Are you Ken’s father.”

“Yes.”

“I really love Ken. He’s very polite and classy. I just wanted to let you know.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

I left the place thinking that maybe my son has a girlfriend. Yet I’m going to keep my mouth shut. I never get involved in Nurse Ken’s personal life. It makes him feel uncomfortable.