Yesterday, I
woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines
on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A pastor from a small town in
Alabama liked to dress up as a woman during his free time. His name was Bubba
Copeland, and he made the mistake of posting the images on the internet. Needless
to say, it wasn’t long before a local news site revealed the guy’s secret to
the entire world. Sadly, Bubba became so distressed that he blew his brains out
with a handgun. He left behind a wife and kids.
Although I
consider myself a Christian, I don’t wag my finger in the face of others when
it comes to sexual stuff. Why? I have my own sexual problems. Now that the
Dragon Lady has packed her bags and left, I will spend the rest of my time on
earth living like a tired old eunuch. In fact, the only pleasure I get is
watching porn from the 80s. Therefore, my tolerance toward perversion boils
down to rocks and glass houses.
I prepared
bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry. He kept blowing his nose and hacking
his lungs up as he sat at the kitchen table.
He said, “I
don’t think I can go to school today.”
I nodded. “You
sound terrible.”
“Maybe I’ll sleep
and see the doctor again when I wake up.”
“Well, try
to eat your food first.”
“My appetite
is actually good. But I can’t seem to get rid of all of this snot.”
“The only
cure is time. When you go to the pharmacy, purchase some Theraflu. That stuff
is marvelous. It will knock you right on your ass.”
“I’ll give
it a try.”
Later that
morning, I caught the bus to work. Once again, the driver was a complete
maniac. In fact, he almost passed my stop completely. He slammed on the brakes at
the last minute and greeted me with the stink eye.
I eventually
arrived at my office at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook
Messenger.
I said, “How’s
tricks?”
She
shrugged. “Not much is happening over here. How’s things with you?”
“Larry can’t
seem to shake his cold. He keeps coughing and blowing his nose. I told him to
see the doctor again.”
She greeted
my suggestion with a dismissive wave of her hands. “What can the doctor do? He
has a virus, and the only cure is time.”
“I told him
that, too.”
She changed
the subject. “Chicken Ken is really enjoying his job. They have him working
outside in the drive thru. The customers give him a lot of tips.”
“Tips at Chick-Fil-A?
This is surely another sign of the apocalypse.”
“Yes. Tips
at Chick-Fil-A.” She paused for dramatic effect. “Every day, he walks home with
fifty bucks in his pocket. And that’s on top of his salary. You really
need to get over here as soon as possible so that we can all be a family again.”
I responded
with a heavy sigh. “I’ve already told you a million times. I don’t think it
would be fair to take Rice-Boy out of school right now. He only has two years
to go before getting his high school diploma. When that happens, I’ll be
running for the plane with money in my pockets.”
“OK. No need
to bite my head off. It was only a suggestion.”
My day at
work was the same old, same old. I’m currently reading The Raven with my
high school class. I love that poem with all my heart, but they aren’t the
biggest fans of Edgar Allan Poe. They find his writing style a tad dreary. Oh
well. To each their own.
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