My Poor Anus

 

(Am I suffering from fecal incontinence?)

On Saturday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A 40-year-old man from the suburbs of Seoul asked his 70-year-old stepmother for some money. This poor lady had a part-time job selling vegetables from the side of the road. Anyway, she told him to get bent, and he strangled the elderly woman before burying her in a nearby field. He will now spend the rest of his life in prison for this dastardly crime.

Later, I walked across the street to the pharmacy to stock up on some much-needed supplies. I bought four boxes of nicotine gum which came to nearly sixty dollars. And I also purchased two tubes of cream to help with my itchy testicles. Then, last but not least, I brought home some first-rate dental floss so that my boy won’t be plagued with the loss of his teeth in the future. Everything together was eighty bucks.

After that, I went to work around the house. I cleaned both the bathrooms with bleach. What I do is squirt this nasty substance all over the walls and floors and mirror. Then I let it sit for fifteen minutes before dousing the entire area with scalding hot water from the shower head. It’s not an easy task. Bleach fucks with my eyes, nose, and throat. But it really does the job.

In the evening, I took Rice-Boy Larry to the chicken house. We ordered fried bird and a pitcher of beer. Then we struck up a conversation as we shoved the food into our mouths.

He said, “Why is your nose running?”

I wiped the snot away with a napkin. “It’s the fucking bleach. It always turns me into a jellyfish.”

“Maybe you should use something else in the future.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Bleach might be hazardous, but it makes my life easier. The last thing I want to do is get down on my hands and knees to scrub the floor.”

“Even if it kills you?”

“That’s the price I might have to pay. Yet at least we can enjoy a spotless place to take a shit.”

He suddenly changed the subject. “How’s your health been overall?”

I sighed heavily. “What can I tell you? I’m getting older. Did you know that I often wipe my ass more than ten times a day?”

He nodded his head gravely. “You’ve told me that many times.”

“As a consequence, my rectum feels like sandpaper.”

“Is it painful?”

I winced as I thought about the question. “Painful isn’t the word I’d use. Uncomfortable is more like it.” I took a sip of beer. “Lots of people love to shove stuff right up their anus. In fact, gay men live for the sensation. But I have no idea how they do it. Their assholes must constantly feel like an inferno.”

“That’s kind of gross. I’m trying to eat over here.”

“Sorry to rattle your cage. However, that’s the world we live in.” I paused for dramatic effect. “You’re probably now old enough to watch dirty movies. And I certainly don’t approve, but there isn’t much I can do about it. Yet don’t mistake the sex you see on television for the real thing. Always draw the line at sodomy. The last thing you’d want to do is injure some innocent woman just to get your jollies.”

We finally got home at 9 p.m. I crawled into bed as drunk as a coot. I really need to give up the alcohol on Saturday nights. I should stick to tea or cola.

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