Michelle Obama

 

(Is Michelle actually a Michael?)

Yesterday, I had a wild dream. I was sitting in a restaurant with President Joe Biden, and he was eating a pork cutlet that was smothered in a brown sauce which smelled to high heaven. He grinned at me vacantly as he shoved the food into his mouth, and suddenly I vomited all over the floor.

He said, “Do you know who I am?”

I nodded. “Yes, you’re the president.”

“Damn fucking right I’m the president.”

I was then immediately escorted off the premises by a couple of muscular dudes who weren’t wearing any clothes. That’s right. They were butt naked, and their Johnsons were dangling in the wind.

The alarm rang. It was 5 a.m., so I wandered into the kitchen for a cup of instant coffee. After enjoying a smoke, it was time for the bathroom. I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit.

A 40-year-old man from Seoul got into a dispute with his elderly female neighbor. It seems that water from his bathroom kept dripping down into her apartment. Needless to say, she was none too pleased with the situation, and she called him repeatedly to fix the problem. One morning, he showed up at her door with a knife and stabbed her to death. He also burned her body to a crisp.

I made bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry as he sat at the kitchen table playing on his computer.

I said, “What time did you get home last night?”

“Ten.”

“Did you have fun with your friends?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It was all right.”

“What did you do?”

“We studied for a math test and ate noodles.”

“Sounds like a blast.”

“Well, I wouldn’t call it a blast. But I’ve had worse nights.”

The nice thing about living in South Korea is it’s one of the safest places on the globe. There really aren’t any dangerous neighborhoods where a guy can get his head bashed in. Don’t get me wrong. People are murdered from time to time. Yet the odds of being greased by a psychopath or a gang member are pretty much slim to none. Therefore, your kids are safe to go where they like.

I eventually got to the office at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I caught an awful cold over Thanksgiving.”

“That sucks.”

“Sis came with her two kids, and they both had fevers. I must have caught it from them.”

“Sometimes, Sis is a real asshole.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You’re an old woman who just had a stroke.” I paused for dramatic effect. “So why in God’s name would she bring her sick children to your house?”

“It was Thanksgiving.”

“Big fucking deal. It’s hard to celebrate the holidays when you’re dead.”

She smiled at me. “I’m not dead. I simply have a cold.”

I realized I was overreacting, so I quickly changed the subject. “What do you think of Michelle Obama?”

“Michelle Obama? What brought that up? She rarely even crosses my mind.”

“You realize she’s a transsexual, don’t you?”

Mom chuckled uproariously. “No, she isn’t!”

“She is. Just take a gander at her. And her husband is a huge gay boy.”

“So what? It’s a free country. More power to them.”

“I’m simply reporting the facts.”

She laughed again. “Your facts are bullshit.”

My time at work went smoothly. Nothing of note actually happened. I find that those are the best kind of days.

I’m trying to drum up users for my message board. So why not click on the link and shareyour opinion about Michelle Obama. It’s not like it will kill you. Thanks.

(Did you like this post? Then read my novel for free. Click here.) 

(Give my message board a try.)