The Dragon Lady

 

(My wife threatened to murder me with a knife.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and did a couple loads of laundry while cooking dinner. I prepared dumplings and French fries in my Philip’s air fryer. The meal tasted pretty damn good. Both me and my boy at the vittles in no-time flat. Not a crumb was left on our plates.

Then I sat on my sofa and watched a couple episodes of Wentworth on Netflix. I felt content and relaxed and happy. But unfortunately the phone rang. It was the Dragon Lady.

She said, “I have da bad news.”

I sighed heavily. “Bad news, huh? Is there any other kind?”

“You lemembah da apartment I buy tree year ago?”

“Yes.”

“Well, da value go down. And da bank now say dat I owe da eighteen tousan dollah. But I not have any money.”

“Sorry.”

“Do you have da eighteen thousand dollah?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You might as well ask me for a million.”

“Maybe you tawk to you mothah.”

“My mom’s not going to give me that kind of cash.”

“So you lefuse to help me?”

“I’m not refusing. I’m broke.”

“Den you go jail. You my husband, and you have da lesponsibirity. Da cops brame you.”

“If they send me to prison, then so be it. At least I won’t have to listen to your bullshit anymore.”

“I hate you so much.”

“I know you hate me. And that’s OK. But let’s not go crazy without exploring your options. Have you thought about personal bankruptcy?”

The poor woman suddenly went nuts. She told me that I was a loser who had been cursed by a myriad of ancient Asian gods. And she also threatened to drive to my apartment and murder me with a knife. Then she wept like a baby for a good three minutes. Finally, she finally hung up the phone after getting all of that poison out of her system.

I walked to Rice-Boy’s room. “I just talked to your mother.”

He shrugged. “And?”

“She threatened to kill me.”

“Wow. Maybe you should call the police.”

“What are they gonna do? Besides, she’s probably just bluffing.”

“Dad, she’s fucking nuts. Do you want to end up in a coffin?”

“I think we should go back to America.” I paused and let out a deep breath. “It’s finally time to get that job at the Waffle House.”

“What about the school field trip this Christmas?”

I nodded. “That’s true. I’d hate to see you miss out on the fun with your friends. Let me think about it.”

I eventually walked to my bedroom at 10 p.m. Yet it was tough to get any quality sack time because of the stress. So I tossed and turned for a good hour before I suddenly got zapped by a lightning bolt. Over the course of my marriage, the Dragon Lady has pilfered roughly a quarter of a million dollars from my meager estate. Consequently, I’m now completely tits-up broke. Therefore, what can Big Brother actually do to me? Not a fucking thing.

I fell asleep and had a weird dream. I was at a beach in California standing next to an old man. He pointed at the waves. They had to be at least fifty feet high. Yet people were surfing, nevertheless.

He smiled at me. “Those kids are really having the time of their lives.”

I returned his smile. “They sure are.”

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