Sodomy in South Korea

(Anal sex is forbidden in the Korean army.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and knocked on Rice-Boy’s bedroom door. I could hear him sigh as he lifted himself out of his computer chair.

He said, “What do you want?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

So I gingerly stepped into his domain. I felt a little nervous entering Larry’s territory. He likes to be left alone when he’s playing his video games.

I said, “I lost my damn bus card. There was twenty bucks on it.”

He shrugged. “That’s not a lot of money.”

“Not a lot of money? Are you fucking crazy? It is to me.”

“Do you have a bottom line? Is there some errand you would like me to run for you?”

I nodded. “I need you to walk to the GS Mart and purchase me another.”

“Another what?”

“Card, you moron.”

“How much money should I put on it?”

“I dunno. Thirty bucks?”

“OK. Thirty bucks it is.”

A bus ride in Korea costs approximately a dollar. Many of us public-transportation zombies have T-money cards. They look like a typical credit card. Anyway, you give the guy at the store your cash, and he digitally transfers it onto the card. Thirty dollars should be enough to last me for fifteen days.

Larry said, “Suppose you find your other card?”

I shrugged. “Then I’ll have two.”

My kid is a good boy. He did as I asked with minimal complaints. The only sass I got was a snotty eye roll. Big deal, right?

I sat on the sofa and enjoyed a couple episodes of Wentworth. I’m on the part where the top-dog Bea is getting fan mail from a loony feminist. I’m a huge fan of Wentworth. In fact, anyone who refuses to watch the show is a worthless fag in my book. This Australian prison drama comes with my highest recommendation.

At 9 p.m., I walked to my room and relaxed in bed. Then I had a quick wank before finally going to sleep. I now pretty much live my life as a twisted old eunuch. In fact, I’ll probably never have sex again for the remainder of my existence. And let me tell you motherfuckers something. I really miss porn. I haven’t seen a fuck-film in ages, and the absence of filth from my life is killing me. But what’s a boy to do? I’m going to be dead soon, and the last thing I need is another sin hanging over my head.

The alarm sounded at 5 a.m., and I dragged my sorry ass out of bed. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a giant shit. The Korean supreme court has ruled five to four that engaging in sodomy during a stint in the military is against the law. Why? According to the judges, anal sex is bad for morale. Oh well. I guess this ruling is terrible news for all you Asian butt-fuckers who might be reading this piece of crap. However, you certainly have my condolences.

I ate three jelly donuts for breakfast before going to work. I finally got to the school at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Are you OK? You look very agitated.”

“I lost my fucking bus card the other day. And I had twenty dollars on that bitch.”

“Well, it’s not the end of the world.”

“True. But I hate it when cash disappears because of stupid reasons.”

“Why don’t you take a moment and check all your drawers?”

So that’s what I did. And wouldn’t you know it? I found the damn thing resting under an empty manila envelope. Mom saved my day once again.

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