My Novel

 

(I wish Netflix would by my book.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A thirty-two-year-old man got a job working for the Seoul subway system. He was attracted to one of his female co-workers, and he began to stalk her every movement. One fateful day, he followed her into the bathroom and stabbed her to death with a knife. For his crime, he was given a life sentence.

I cooked bacon and hash browns for my boy. But when I opened the door to his bedroom, he was nowhere to be seen. I briefly panicked, imagining the worse. However, he was actually in the computer room studying for a huge test.

I said, “Holy shit! What are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m preparing for a history and English exam.”

“Did you stay up all night?”

He nodded. “But don’t give me any crap. It couldn’t be helped.”

“Wow! You’re a real Asian go-getter, aren’t you?”

“I’m only half Asian. I’m a mixed breed.”

I patted him affectionately on the shoulder. “Perhaps you will go far in this world.”

“It’s not that big of a deal. Didn’t you study when you were in high school?”

I shook my head from side to side. “Not a bit. In fact, I don’t think that I ever opened a single book for the entire four years.”

“Then how did you graduate?”

“You got me. It’s a real mystery.”

I caught the bus at 6:40 a.m., and I had no trouble finding a seat. Unfortunately, the driver was a real lunatic, so I began to pray for my life. He ran a couple of red lights while doing 70 in a 30-kph zone. And to make matters worse, he swerved in and out of traffic like a fucking maniac. Sometimes, I get the urge to report these jokers to the-powers-that-be. But what good would that do? It’s one of those things where you just have to grin and hope you arrive alive.

I got to my office at 7:10 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Chicken Ken is going to be pissed.”

I said, “Why?”

“He loves working outside at Chick-fil-A. But it’s pissing rain today, so they’ve got him making lemonade in the back. He hates squeezing the citrus. It burns his fingers.”

“Why don’t you tell him to wear gloves?”

“I’ve said it a million times. Yet he never listens to me.”

“Ken’s a real hard head.”

She changed the subject. “So any new news from your wife?”

“Not a word.”

“What are your future plans?”

I cleared my throat. “Well, it’s the same as before. I’m going to stay here until her creditors start garnishing my paycheck. When that happens, I’ll make a mad dash to the airport.”

“I hate that woman with a passion. She’s a such a crazy bitch.”

“I don’t think she can help herself. She’s mentally ill.”

“Oh, fuck that horseshit. You’ve got to harden your heart before she finally kills you.”

My day at work went smoothly, and I eventually arrived home at 6 p.m. After cooking dinner and doing the laundry, I sat on my ass and watched the first episode of The Fall of the House of Usher. I was a little disappointed. It’s set in modern times—which detracts from the original story. I’d like to sell The Demon in the Doll to Netflix. Those boys could do wonders with my novel.

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