Halloween Party

 

(Lots of people died in Seoul last year during a Halloween party.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty dump. About a year ago, 159 people in Seoul were killed due to a stampede during a Halloween street party. Now people are wondering if it’s OK to recognize the holiday after such a tragic event. In fact, several amusement parks are forgoing their celebrations altogether. The scene was quite grisly. Many of the emergency responders are currently suffering from PTSD.

I prepared bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy. Then I sat on the sofa and watched The Five on Fox News. A hospital in Palestine was accidentally bombed by Hamas, killing roughly 500 people. The Jew-haters are blaming it on Bibi, but the evidence is pointing in the other direction. Some of my most ardent readers are anti-Semitic. Yet I refuse to harbor a grudge. What’s the point, right? My fans are mainly comprised of retards and fuckheads, so you can’t hold them accountable for their actions.

I got to school at 7:30 a.m. and shot the shit with my pal Richard Hurtz. He’s a giant of a man, standing seven-feet tall.

He said, “Did you see the story about that crazy landlord in Illinois?”

“No, I must have missed it.”

“He stabbed this six-year-old kid to death simply because he was a Muslim. He also tried to kill the boy’s mother.”

“Man, that’s rough.”

“Sometimes, I’m ashamed of the United States. You can tell he’s a nut just by looking at him. That old prick should’ve been locked away in the booby hatch years ago.”

I nodded sympathetically. “I blame it on Reagan.”

“Reagan? He’s been dead for almost twenty-five years now.”

“Yes, but Ronnie is the guy who shutdown all the asylums in order to save a few bucks. Consequently, we’ve been dealing with a huge influx of loons ever since his administration came to power.”

He shrugged his muscular shoulders. “I had no idea.”

My day at work went well. I’m still reading The Necklace with my middle schoolers. They are very bright children. In fact, most of them have IQs much higher than mine. Sadly, I’m only about as smart as the average dolphin. Anyway, we’re on the part where the protagonist doesn’t want to go to the party because she has nothing to wear.

I said, “This woman is a dangerous malcontent. What should you do if you ever meet a person like this in the future?”

One girl raised her hand. “Walk away?”

I shook my head. “Wrong! You need to run as fast as your legs will carry you.”

She frowned and exhaled heavily. “Are you OK?”

“Me? I’m as right as rain. Why do you ask?”

“You seem to be taking this story a little personally.”

That’s the problem with high-performing teenagers. They’re a little bit too intelligent. So you always have to be on your guard. If the truth be told, I much prefer teaching dummies. Less stress and lower expectations.

I eventually got home at 6 p.m. The Dragon Lady had dropped off Larry’s shoes. They were resting in their boxes on top of the coffee table. My soon-to-be ex-wife had also cleaned the apartment. Thankfully, she was nowhere to be seen. She had driven away long before my arrival.

I sat on my sofa and watched a film called Renfield. The movie is pretty much a dud, but Nicholas Cage does a great job in his portrayal of Dracula. His scenes had me laughing out loud.

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