The Antichrist

 

(I believe in the pretribulation.)

Yesterday, I went to a bible study after work. The topic of pretribulation was discussed. According to guys like me, the faithful will be raptured before the Day of the Lord so that we don’t have to suffer a horrific seven-year span in which the Antichrist rules supreme.

I said, “I often wonder where artificial intelligence fits into all of this.”

A guy named Barry said, “Well, what’s your opinion?”

I cleared my throat. “Daniel claims that this tyrant will have no interest in women. So I used to think that the Son of Perdition was either a naughty pope or an out-of-control homosexual. But my thoughts have since changed on the matter. A.I. will have the ability to manufacture its own body in a laboratory. This will allow the technology to actually construct a humanoid dictator capable of taking over the world.”

Barry nodded. “That’s quite interesting.”

However, another man named Rod scolded me.

He said, “You have to be careful with apocalyptic literature. It’s easy to misinterpret. The Book of Revelation should be confined to the first century. It’s essentially a closed tome.”

I looked at him scornfully. “Who says?”

He shot me the stink eye. “Most college professors.”

I shook my head with disdain. “Then what you’re basically telling me is that I need an egghead from Harvard to tell me which way is up. No thank you. I’m perfectly capable of reading scripture and coming up with my own conclusions.”

“Yes, but you’re leading innocent people down the wrong path. That’s why you should be more cautious with your words.”

“More cautious with my words? Why? Are the police going to break down the door and take me away for having my own interpretation?”

Needless to say, we spent the rest of the hour ignoring each other. It was quite uncomfortable.

Guys like Rod really chap my ass. I spent three years in China attending a state-sanctioned church. Talk about tiresome. The pastor wasn’t allowed to discuss anything interesting which might offend Big Brother. It was a fucking snooze fest. Rod, however, would do just fine on the mainland. He’s perfectly happy turning the bible into a giant bore.

I eventually got home at 7 p.m. and cooked my boy dinner. I prepared four fried eggs and a plate full of French fries. The poor kid must have been starving. He wolfed down all the vittles in less than five minutes.

Then I sat on my sofa and watched a couple episodes of Peaky Blinders. Adrien Brody is the guest star for season five. He plays a mafia hitman from New York who has come to kill the protagonist. Adrien won an Oscar for his riveting performance in Roman Polanski’s The Pianist. Yet his career has never really gotten off the ground in the sense that he isn’t some huge movie star.

At nine p.m., I walked to my room and enjoyed a quick wank before falling asleep. Then I woke up at 5 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “How’s Ken the Chicken Man? I haven’t heard from him in ages.”

She said, “He’s at work.”

“Is he still enjoying Chick-Fil-A.”

She nodded. “He loves it.”

“Have I done something to offend him? He never calls me these days.”

“Of course not! He’s simply the busiest man in Texas. He doesn’t even have the time to use the bathroom.”

My main fear in life is losing touch with my children. They’re my biggest source of pleasure.

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