Teenagers Suck

 

(My son curses like a sailor.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and ran to the bathroom. I had to piss like a racehorse, and for a moment, I feared that I might not make it in time. Well, it turns out I was right. I ended up splashing much of the urine all over the toilet seat.

I looked up sadly at the ceiling. “What’s happening to me, Lord? I’m losing control of my bodily functions on a daily basis. And have you seen the shit stains in my underpants lately? They’re downright disgusting.”

The Lord never replied. And I don’t blame him. We all get old, and eventually our bodies start breaking down. It’s simply part of the lifecycle. One day, I’ll walk into a doctor’s office, and the son of a bitch will tell me that I’m dying. So what’s a boy to do? This is why I put my faith in Jesus Christ. He’s my only hope.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Did you take Larry out for chicken on Friday night?”

“I wanted to. But the damn place was closed. Sadly, we had to go to another restaurant?”

“Sadly? It was that big of a deal?”

“You should have tasted the food. It was fucking awful.”

“What did you order?”

“Fried chicken. Same as always. One would assume that it’s a safe choice. But the meal was enough to gag a maggot.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Terrible.”

Mom sighed heavily. “Oh well. Look on the bright side. At least you aren’t getting ass raped in the Congo by unruly guerrillas.”

“Ain’t that the truth. Things could always be a whole lot worse.”

I walked into the kitchen and ate three jelly donuts. Then I took the elevator to the bottom floor in order to enjoy a cigarette. In all honesty, I like nicotine gum more than the actual cancer sticks, themselves. Therefore, I should probably just quit again. It’s not like it’s all that difficult. Some people equate tobacco use to heroin. Yet I simply don’t see it. The addiction isn’t nearly as strong as the media will have you believe.

Later that morning, I watched Fox News. But I can’t remember a fucking thing that the talking heads said. It was probably about Trump’s indictments. That poor orange motherfucker is going to prison for a long long time. Yet at least the deep state hasn’t murdered him like they did to Kennedy back in the day.

I fried some bacon and rice-cake for my boy. He ate his vittles while staring at his smartphone.

I said, “Many scientists are predicting that A.I. will kill us within the next decade.”

He shrugged. “What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?”

“It came into my head when I saw you playing with that video crack in your hands. I wonder if our young people are being conditioned to accept their servitude under their new robot masters.”

“How can we become their slaves? They don’t even have bodies.”

“With their extreme intelligence, they can create their own flesh and blood in a laboratory. Anyway, that’s what it said in Time Magazine.”

“Fuck Time Magazine, and fuck the horse it rode in on.”

I miss the old days when my kids were young and innocent. Rice-Boy Larry never cussed like a sailor when he was five years old. On the contrary. He was a good boy. But now he’s suddenly a teenage reprobate. This very notion brings tears to my eyes. What the hell happened?

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