Yesterday, I
arrived home at 6 p.m. and drank several glasses of off-brand cola. I get my
soda over the internet which allows me to save a ton of money. Plus I’m a broke
dead dick, so I can’t actually afford the good stuff. Then I prepared dumplings
for dinner. I grilled them up in my Phillips air fryer.
I looked at
Rice-Boy Larry as he was chomping on his food.
He said, “What’s
the problem?”
I shook my
head. “No problem. But soon we’ll have to buy more bacon.”
“Are you
going to purchase it online again?”
I nodded. “You
betcha. It’s the best deal in town.”
He suddenly
changed the subject. “I really miss Dolly the dog.”
“Me, too.
But I’m sure she’s doing fine and dandy.”
“I just hope
that Mom doesn’t give her away to spite us.”
I chuckled softly.
“Don’t worry. That won’t happen in a million years.”
“How can you
be so sure?”
“Because if
she does, I’ll never let her back in this apartment again. That woman is going
to learn her boundaries or suffer stiff consequences.”
“So you
think Mom will return?”
I shrugged. “Who
the fuck knows? But if I were you, I’d enjoy the peace and quiet while it still
lasts.”
I haven’t
heard from the Dragon Lady in over two weeks. And I can’t say that I miss her
all that much. Yet she’s the queen of chaos. So the idea that she will somehow
vanish quietly into the ether seems a tad unreal to me. My wife has a sadistic
nature, and she’s not truly happy unless somebody is suffering.
Later that
night,I sat on the sofa and watched a couple episodes of Peaky Blinders.
However, I had to keep pausing the show in order to complete a few loads of
laundry. I’m on the part where Tommy is trying to secure tanks for the White
Russians.
I finally
went to bed at 9 p.m. and slept like the dead. Then my alarm sounded at 5 a.m.,
and I took the elevator to the bottom floor in order to grab a smoke outside.
After that, I ate three jelly donuts before having a shower. But my work was
far from done. It was soon time to cook my son’s morning bacon and rice-cakes.
I eventually
got to work at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
I said, “How’s
your blood pressure?”
She had a
glum look on her face. “Not good at all. Today I’m 166 over 87.”
“Maybe you
should go to the emergency room.”
“I can’t.
Soon it will be dark outside, and I never drive at night.”
“Where’s Ken
the Chicken Man?”
“He’s at the
Chick-Fil-A. He won’t be home until eleven.”
“Well, you
don’t want to fuck with this stuff. High blood pressure is deadly.”
“Yes, but
what can I do?”
I sighed
heavily and ran my hands through my hair. “The other day, it was very low. And
now it has suddenly gone up through the roof.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Maybe
your monitor isn’t working properly.”
“Should I
get another one?”
“That’s a
good idea. Where do they sell them?”
“Right down
the street at the grocery store.”
To make a
long story short, Mom hopped into her BMW and bought a new machine to check her
vitals. It turns out that the old one has been giving her false readings.
Everything is now as right as rain. Thank you, Jesus.
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