Demons

 

(Rice-Boy Larry is becoming superstitious.)

Yesterday, I took Rice-Boy Larry to a chicken restaurant for dinner. I was simply too lazy to cook, but I have to avoid going out in the future because it takes a huge bite from my budget. Anyway, I ordered fried bird and a pitcher of beer. It came to thirty dollars.

The owner of this establishment has a sexy daughter. She’s in her 20s, and she likes to wear tight sweaters and short-shorts. In all honesty, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Don’t get me wrong. I never stare at women. I simply catch a peek from time to time when they aren’t looking.

Rice-Boy noticed and glared at me derisively. “Really, Dad? She could be your daughter.”

I shrugged. “Cut me some slack. It’s not as if I’m going to ask her for a date. But what can I do? Beautiful people exist, and one marvels at them from afar. Seems natural to me.”

“It’s pretty gross, if you want my opinion.”

“Well, I don’t want your opinion. Yet let me teach you a valuable lesson in life. If I were to approach this girl and tell her how her eyes sparkled while putting my arm around her, then that would be disgusting. If I were to sniff her hair like Senile Joe as I made cat noises, then that would be disgusting, too. And if I were to pay her for sex after she signed a nondisclosure agreement…Well, you get the idea. But beauty demands attention. A guy simply can’t help himself.”

He suddenly changed the subject. “Last night at two a.m., somebody knocked on my bedroom door three times. Rap, rap, rap.”

“Did you answer it?”

“Are you kidding me. I nearly crapped in my pants. I remembered what you said about the number three and how demons use it to mock the Trinity.”

I sighed heavily and took a huge swig of beer. “I talk a lot of shit, son. It’s my one talent in life. But you have to take everything I say with a grain of salt.”

“Suppose it was a demon?”

I shrugged. “So what if it was? What can a demon possibly do to you? Knock on some doors, rattle a few chains? Big fucking deal.”

“You’re thinking of ghosts.”

“Ghosts, demons. They’re pretty much the same thing.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. Jesus doesn’t want you to live in fear. You’re a free man.”

Lately, there have been a lot of strange noises in my apartment. However, it’s due to the high winds from the oncoming typhoon. All those creaks and groans can make superstitious people awfully nervous. But it’s important to have faith in the King of the Universe. He doesn’t want his people to live like frightened little mice.

After finishing our meal, we walked to a local grocery store and bought beer and donuts. I’m no long on my diet. The departure of the Dragon Lady has made cutting weight too difficult. I now eat tons of pasty for breakfast because it’s easy and doesn’t require cooking. Perhaps it’s my fate to die a fat man.

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