Marriage with a Narcissist

 

(There are five distinct phases in a relationship with a narcissist.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A woman from the city of Yongin gave birth to a baby boy in March of 2015. Unfortunately, the father got together with his mother-in-law, and they both decided to murder the child. After the deed was done, they buried his corpse on a nearby hill. The killers are in their 40s and 60s respectively, and needless to say, they’re both facing lengthy prison sentences. The crime was uncovered because the police are currently tracking down unregistered children here on the peninsula.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. Cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House. A reporter had the balls to ask if the drugs belonged to the Bidens, but the lesbian press secretary pretty much accused this journalist of being a nosy bitch. Yes. That’s how far our nation has degenerated under Senile Joe. Anyway, a deep-state actor named Jake Sullivan now claims that the narcotics belong to one of the workers who are refurbishing the room where the coke was located. Mark my words. Soon, a scapegoat will be paraded in public to take the fall.

The Dragon Lady looked at me with malice in her eyes. “You need transwaitah?”

“I need what?”

“Transwaitah.”

“Why do I need a translator?”

“Dey not accept da divorce because you too stoopid to speak da Kolean. How can you sign da papah if you can’t leed da papah?”

“I’m going to bring Rice-Boy Larry.”

She sighed heavily. “He not good enough. He onry da teenagah.”

“Well, I don’t have a dime to my name. So how am I going to pay? Do they offer a free service for foreigners?”

“You such da cunt. Ask you mommy to send some dollah.”

I shook my head. “Not in a million years.”

“Den I will pick da transwaitah. So don’t comprain.”

I shrugged. “I’m not complaining.” I paused for dramatic effect. “I just want to tell you one thing. If you sell any furniture, you can’t come back. If you sign the divorce papers, you can’t come back. This is serious business. It will be the end of us.”

The Dragon Lady cackled like a witch right in my face. “You tink I care? You da cunt. I not want you anymore.”

“Are you taking the puppy with you?”

She shook her head. “You keep da doggie. You ruv her, no? You always say you ruv her. Now you can crean her poop and piss. Soon you know my pain.”

“OK. I’ll keep the dog. No problem.”

I want to tell you retards and fuckheads something. There are five stages to a relationship with an individual suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. First is love bombing. When they initially meet you, they make you feel like the most important person in the world. They buy you wonderful gifts and tell you repeatedly how you are the center of their universe. The attention feels great—especially if you’re an ugly motherfucker like me.

Second comes the fake future. They paint a rosy picture of your lives together. It’s your destiny to own a big house on the beach with perfect children and wonderful automobiles. In fact, you are so fantastic together that the world will envy your very existence.

Third is devaluation. Suddenly, they get cold and nasty. This happened to me the night of the marriage. You become the victim of the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. When they do speak, it is nothing but filth and insults that spew from their nasty mouths.

Fourth is discard. That’s when they finally decide to leave. You are a piece of shit who isn’t worthy of their company. I’ve been through this stage seven or eight times. They inevitably walk away from you hurling verbal abuse as they go. I kid you not.

Finally, hoovering rears its ugly head. Even though you are a complete scumbag, they’re willing to give the relationship another chance. They return to their victims nearly all the time because it’s tough to find people who will endure their constant nastiness. In other words, you’re the only fucking idiot willing to put up with their nonsense.

But here’s the deal. Larry is almost an adult. In fact, he’ll be forced to join the Korean military in a couple of years. So I no longer give a fuck. Soon, I’ll be a free man. Good for me.

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