Grandma

 

(I'm turning into an old woman.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The body of a famous Korean live streamer was found in Cambodia. The deceased woman had been wrapped in a blanket and thrown into a pond. To be honest, I’m not really sure what a live streamer does for a living. But this poor lady had a quarter of a million followers, so she must have been making some good money. Anyway, the culprits appear to be a Chinese couple who own a hospital in Phnom Penh. It seems that the victim died in their establishment, and they got rid of her cadaver to avoid liability. The Cambodian cops have promised the Korean government to do a bang-up job nailing these two miscreants to the wall. Let’s hope that justice prevails.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. A Canadian pastor from Calgary was arrested a second time within a matter of weeks for protesting a drag-queen storytime hour held for children at one of the local libraries. He was charged with six counts of harassment and one count of causing a disturbance. He could potentially face $70,000 in fines and four years in prison for his crimes. The homosexuals have huge amounts of power in the west. If you mess with them, they will crush you like a bug. And don’t be fooled by all the lipstick and mascara. Those boys are angry and will beat you to death with their high-heeled shoes. That’s why I mind my own fucking business. It’s safer that way.

Rice-Boy Larry walked into my room. “Hey, Dad, I can’t go to church today?”

I said, “Why?”

“I have to study for my math exam.”

“OK. If you say so. But remember that this life is temporal, and the status of your soul is forever.”

He shrugged. “Jesus forgives.”

I smiled at him. “That’s true. However, not as often as most people would have you believe.”

“Now you’re talking smack.”

I shook my head from side to side. “Look it up. Nobody talks about hell more than Christ. Heck, he speaks of the abyss constantly. It’s strange, but all the fucking peace-and-love hippies seem to forget that fact. I guess they block it out.”

“Well, I still can’t go. This test is important.”

I decided to drop the subject. Lately, I’ve been using a lot of guilt to torture my child. I’m a friendless asshole, and he’s the only true companion I have. Therefore, I don’t want to scare him off. I’d be lost without him.

I walked to McDonald’s and ordered a cup of coffee. There’s a Starbucks next door, but I avoid that place like the plague. I took my cup of Joe outside and drank it on the patio. It was a very pleasant day. Not too hot and not too cold.

I met a pal of mine named Freda. She’s a fat ass who teaches English at one of the local academies. She was chomping on a quarter pounder and a large order of fries.

I told her a depressing story.

I said, “Something strange happened to me last week. I finished reading a story called A Christmas Memory with my middle school students. It’s written by Truman Capote. Suddenly, I started tearing up, and I had to flee from the room before bawling like a jilted cheerleader.”

“What did the kids say?”

“They never saw my tears. They thought I was having a bathroom emergency.”

She shot me a toothy grin. “It’s because you’re getting older.”

“What?”

“Men lose testosterone with age and replace it with estrogen. It makes them more emotional. Don’t worry. What happened to you is perfectly normal.”

“So basically I’m turning into an old woman?”

She giggled with exuberance. “That’s right, Grandma.”

“Holy fuck.”

Freda laughed and laughed. In fact, she was so tickled that I actually thought she might fall out of her chair.

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