Breast Cancer

 

(Christina Applegate is a real trooper.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a huge glass of generic cola. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The city of Seoul is dotted with coffee shops. In fact, you can’t throw a rock without hitting one by accident. Lots of people like to frequent these establishments to work and study in the evenings and weekends. However, certain customers are a huge pain in the ass. They milk their cups of Joe for hours and hours, taking up way too much space. In other words, the owners aren’t making any profit because of these deadbeats. And my heart goes out to the little capitalists. Drink your fucking java and hit the road already.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. Tucker Carlson released another episode on Twitter. He’s disappointed that Hunter Biden got his hand slapped by the federal government on a serious weapon’s charge. After all, this cracked-out ne’er-do-well left a loaded pistol in a dumpster right next to a school. Most citizens would be thrown under the prison for such a crime. But I’m not surprised. Hunter is a member of the Washington circle jerk, and that comes with lots and lots of perks. It’s basically a license to steal and kill.

I arrived at my office at 8 a.m. and read my emails. I got a message from my second place of employment. The boss asked me to work an extra shift that night. I agreed. And why not? All I do is watch baseball while sitting on my ass. Occasionally, I have to hand out chips and Coke. It’s easy money.

I called the Dragon Lady.

“I’ll be home late tonight.”

“Why?”

“I have to work at my other gig.”

“You da riar!”

“I’m not lying. The guy needs me to come in.”

“You stole da cahr. You need to take da bus. Dere is no parking aftah seven p.m.”

I sighed heavily. “That’s not true. There’s a ton of parking right across the street at the grocery store.”

“But dat too fahr.”

“Too far? It’s only a five-minute walk.”

“Asshoe!”

She hung up after getting that off her chest. My wife is a real loon. The pinwheels in her head never cease to spin.

I took the elevator to my friend’s room. I talk to Richard Hurtz for about five minutes each day. We are both very busy individuals.

I said, “Anything new going on in your life?”

He shrugged. “Not really. How about you?”

“I’ve been watching a show on Netflix called Dead to Me. It’s pretty good.”

“Who’s in it?”

“Christina Applegate.”

He shrugged again. “Never heard of her.”

“She used to be on a popular comedy called Married with Children.”

“Married with Children? I’m drawing a blank. It’s probably before my time.”

“Christina was very beautiful back in the day. But now she’s an old lady with fake tits.”

“She had a boob job?”

“A mastectomy and reconstruction. She contracted life-threatening cancer in 2008. Luckily, she made a full recovery.”

He nodded. “Great news. I’m glad she’s still alive.”

“Unfortunately, she found out recently that she has multiple sclerosis.”

Richard whistled through his teeth. “Man, that sucks.”

“I know. She can’t win for losing.”

My day at work went well. I’m still reading Robert Frost with my middle school students. They seem to enjoy his work. Which is not surprising. Everybody loves Mr. Frost. He was a real genius.

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