Positive Thinking

 

(I'm just glad that I wasn't born in Djibouti.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. My paper of choice is usually The Korea Times. You can easily find it online, and it’s 100 percent free. Anyway, a guy in the opinion section named Slavoj Zizek wrote an article about the Dalai Lama’s recent creepy behavior. The religious leader was caught on video asking a seven-year-old boy to suck his tongue. Mr. Zizek says that we got it all wrong. He states that tongue sucking is a big part of Tibetan culture and that this whole incident was manufactured by the Chinese to embarrass the Dalai Lama in front of the world. Slavoj then goes on to discuss people who like to have their testicles squeezed for sexual pleasure. The article is a complete mess. Perhaps I’ll provide a link over at my message board if I can find the time.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. There’s a kid named Jon Lynch who is a member of the Air National Guard. Jon spends a lot of time online, and he’s a huge fan of TikTok. He makes tons and tons of videos to impress his friends and neighbors. He even made one in which he discusses how much he loves the app and why it would be a big mistake to make TikTok illegal. As you can imagine, the conservatives in congress went apoplectic. Josh Hawley and his ilk started ranting and raving about how people in the National Guard are helping the Chi-Coms to dominate the world. I’m not a huge fan of the CCP, yet I don’t want to see things banned by the idiots who run our nation. Next thing you know, they’ll start taking away our porn channels. And we certainly can’t let that happen!

Rice-Boy Larry came into my room.

He said, “I’m not going to church today.”

I said, “Why?”

“I’ve got two huge tests tomorrow.”

“In what?”

“Korean and history.”

I nodded. “How is your Korean going?”

He shrugged. “OK, I guess. I can speak it and read it just fine. My only problem is the memorization.”

“Is your brain too soft to remember all the questions and answers?”

“Why do you got to be an asshole all the time?”

“I’m simply wondering if my son is a dullard.”

“I’m not a dullard. I simply have philosophical differences with the teaching method of rote memorization. I don’t see the point. You forget it all five minutes after the test.”

“You live in Korea, boy. So you had better get used to it.”

Here’s the real reason why I want my kid to excel in the language. Korean universities are a hell of a lot cheaper than their American counterparts. Plus he may be able to get into a top-flight school based solely upon his race. These colleges are desperately looking for multicultural people to make them appear more cosmopolitan. I shit you not. Normally, I’m against that kind of stuff since I’m a white guy who always gets the short end of the stick. But this time, it’s working in my favor, so what’s not to love?

I walked to church by my lonesome. It was a six-mile jaunt there and back. As I’ve told you before, I’ve lost close to 45 pounds, and exercise has been a part of my success.

The sermon was enjoyable. We sang for thirty minutes, and some crazy guy in the back kept blowing a ram’s horn. No kidding. Then I popped a piece of nicotine gum right before the pastor started talking about the Book of Isaiah. Overall, it was a satisfying day. I try to stay optimistic. After all, things could always be worse. At least I wasn’t born in Djibouti. 

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(Give my message board a try.)