Looks Matter

 

(It's easier to get a job when you're a hot piece of ass.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Gucci recently held a wild party in Seoul that continued late into the night. The festivities included loud music and strobe lights. The shindig was held in a glass building, so the debauchery was visible to all the neighbors. The guest list included many celebrities and high-profile businessmen. More than fifty people called the police due to the excessive noise, but the cops never came. No big surprise. Movers and shakers are always given preferential treatment by the-powers-that-be.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched the news on YouTube. A forty-five-year-old man named Elmo DeSilva is employed as a school janitor in Georgia. He wanted a promotion to head custodian, but he didn’t have a high school diploma. So he took adult education classes after work each evening in order to catch up on his education. Elmo says that he never paid attention to his studies in the past because he had to work to take care of his family. Good for him. It’s important to never give up in life even if you get kicked in the teeth.

The Dragon Lady walked into my room.

She said, “Do you mom have da money?”

I said, “What?”

“Money. I need to fix my tooth.”

“What’s wrong with your tooth?”

“I missing many in da back.”

“I told you a million times. Get your sister to make you some dentures.”

“I not want da denture. I want da imprant.”

“How much is that?”

“Twenty thousand.”

I let out a huge gasp. “Twenty thousand dollars?”

“Yes.”

“My mom’s not giving you twenty grand. Hell, she doesn’t even like you.”

“Den I can’t get da job.”

“Why?”

“Koleans onry want da pletty woman. Nobody hire me. I too old and ugry.”

“Bullshit. You’re very attractive.”

And this is true. My wife is an extremely beautiful woman. Physically speaking. On the inside, however, she’s an ugly twisted dwarf. Anyway, you can’t even see her missing teeth. To the untrained eye, she appears to have a mouth full of choppers. Nobody would know the difference just looking at her.

I said, “There are lots of ugly women working on the peninsula.”

“Where?”

“Coffee shops. Schools. Libraries. Bakeries. Chicken houses. You name the place, there’s a dog behind the counter.”

“Dat not true.”

“It doesn’t matter. My mom doesn’t have that type of cash.”

“Asshoe.”

She turned around and walked away.

I began coughing uncontrollably. I’m still suffering from a stubborn cold. Then I stood up and spit a huge green goober into the toilet. After that, I popped a piece of nicotine gum. I love the stuff. Nicotine makes my brain tingle. It’s a pleasant feeling.

In the afternoon, I caught the game between the Celtics and the Heat. It was a wonderful contest with lots and lots of back-and-forth action. In fact, it was so exciting that I kept using the F-word over and over again. I also punched my pillow on several occasions. Boston lost with minutes remaining. They appeared to choke because of the stress. They simply couldn’t buy a bucket. I don’t blame the players. I would have choked, too.

Before going to bed, I watched a film on Netflix called The Invitation. A black woman gets invited to England to meet her long-lost family. She has no idea that they want her to marry Dracula. This movie completely sucks ass. Don’t waste your time.

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