Killing Mom

(A Korean man was recently convicted of beating his mom to death.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty dump. A man in his 30s who suffers from epilepsy used to live with his mom in Seoul. One day, he told her that he wanted to move out, and the old lady simply refused to give him permission to leave. So he beat the fucking shit out of her with his fists and feet in retaliation. In fact, his brutal attack sent her to a nearby emergency room, but the doctors must have missed something because she later died in her home due to internal bleeding. Her son was later arrested for the battery, and he now has to spend the next seven years in prison for his crime. Seems fair to me.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched the news of the world on the internet. The Japanese are getting sick and tired of Rahm Emanuel. He’s the current American ambassador to the island nation. Anyway, Rahm keeps foisting the LGBTQ agenda on the Japanese people, and they are simply not fond of white people from afar telling them what to do. A popular YouTube commentator named Yoko Ishii wants Mr. Emanuel to shut the fuck up. Yoko says that Japan belongs to the Japanese and that they are perfectly capable of constructing their own laws without western interference, thank you very much.

The Dragon Lady barged into my room.

She said, “Where you buy da nicotine gum?”

I said, “At the local pharmacy.”

“Asshoe! It too expensive. I can get at fish market for cheap.”

“It’s not that expensive. It costs twelve dollars for thirty pieces.”

“I reave you soon. You see! Dis summah, I gone.”

I nodded. “OK, don’t let the doorknob hit you on the way out.”

My wife threatens to leave me at least once a week. Yet I no longer care. If she goes, she’d be doing me a huge favor. I would return to America and get a job at the Waffle House. I already have a place to stay. I can live with my mother. The only problem is Dolly the dog. I’d hate to leave her behind. I’m totally in love with that pooch. But a guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do.

I drove to work with Rice-Boy Larry. I talked to my mother on Facebook Messenger during the journey.

She said, “How are you feeling?”

I said, “Not so good. This cold is kicking my ass.”

“Why didn’t you take a day to recover?”

“I hate to miss work. Besides, staying home with my demon-possessed wife is actually more stressful than teaching the kiddies. I’m better off at school.”

She changed the subject. “Nurse Ken is at the pool studying for his HESI Exam.”

Mom lives in a neighborhood that comes with a community pool. Nurse Ken is a huge fan of dipping his toes in the water while doing schoolwork. I’m not sure if that’s an effective way of getting good grades, but nobody cares about my opinions.

I said, “I think he’s making too much out of this test. He’s turning it into a psychological hobgoblin.”

“Yes, he’s certainly very serious when it comes to his success. That kid has big dreams.”

I nodded. “Good for him. I shouldn’t thrust my mediocrity upon the child. Let him shine if that’s his thing in life.”

My day at work went OK. I sneezed and snotted and hacked my lungs out as I taught the material. The kids gave me cough drops to show their concern. Lots of them are also under the weather. We suffered together until we were dismissed by the final bell.

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