Android Girlfriend

(Artificial intelligence is a real snooze fest.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A 50-year-old labor-union leader was facing criminal charges for business obstruction. So instead of going to court, he doused himself in gasoline and lit a match. Needless to say, he turned himself into a charcoal briquette, and he is now in a hospital which specializes in treating burn victims. He isn’t expected to make a recovery, but miracles do happen from time to time.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Hunter Biden is attending a hearing in Arkansas to determine his future child support payments. He impregnated a stripper a few years back, and the lady rightfully wants her money. Hunter’s little girl is four years old, and she hasn’t been acknowledged by any of the Biden family, including Senile Joe himself. And here’s the deal for me. I know that Orange Donald is a pig. You libtards don’t have to spell it out for me. Nevertheless, I can’t see Trump acting in this cheap disgraceful manner. Joe and his people are truly the scum of the earth.

I looked at the Dragon Lady. “Can you buy me some powdered clove?”

She shot me the stink eye. “What?”

“Powdered clove.”

“I not know what dat is.”

“Cloves are plants that help with nagging aches and pains. I’m getting older, and my body feels like a train wreck.”

“Where I buy dis powdah crove?”

I shrugged. “You’re the Korean, not me. I thought you might be able to find the stuff.”

“You da fucken idiot.”

Dolly the dog began scratching at Rice-Boy’s bedroom door. I got up and let her in. She immediately jumped up on his bed and began licking my boy’s face. Larry groaned loudly and pushed the puppy away. Then he pounded his fist angrily against the mattress.

I said, “Why so grumpy.”

He sat up and frowned. “I only got an hour of sleep last night.”

“How come?”

“I have too many tests today. This is Korea. The torture never stops.”

“But you’re too young to be pulling all-nighters.”

“Tell that to my teachers.”

Don’t let Rice-Boy fool you. He pretends to be western, but that kid is Asian to the bone. He could have studied for an hour or two and settled for a C. Yet that’s simply not him. He’s in love with the academic competition and constantly dreams about crushing his enemies. I shit you not.

However, what’s a daddy to do? Should I tell him to stop studying? Should I make him go to bed? It’s all a mystery to me. There are no easy answers in life.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Your stepfather went to the hospital today. The heart doctor.”

I said, “Is there any bad news?”

“No. In fact, the doctor is amazed at the health of his organ. It’s pumping away with the strength of a man half his age. Yet he’s not eating right. He’s down to a 126 pounds.”

“Well, he’s never been a large man. So maybe that’s not a bad thing. It’s certainly better than being a fat ass like me.”

“True. But he’s as skinny as a rake.” She changed the subject. “Anything new with you?”

“I’ve been trying out this artificial intelligence that everyone is talking about.”

“And?”

I sighed heavily. “Quite frankly, it’s a real snooze fest. I thought I might use it to snag myself an android girlfriend. Sadly, that feature hasn’t been developed yet.”

Mom laughed and laughed. She enjoys my sense of humor. 

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