Tell Me about It

 

(American cities are dangerous.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. There’s a professor of economics who works at the University of Chicago named Michael Kremer, and he’s actually a Nobel laureate. Anyway, Mike's encouraging the Korean powers-that-be to start importing immigrants in order to fight the decline in birthrates. In other words, Kremer is one of these assholes who supports the controversial policy of replacement. One of the best things about living here is the safety factor. I can literally walk anywhere in Seoul without the fear of getting my head busted to bits by thieves and angry Nubians. And now this jerk wants to ruin my good time. Well, in my humble opinion, Michael Kremer can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched CNN. Tucker Carlson got fired by Fox News. And I’m not going to lie. I was so surprised that my jaw almost hit the floor. I’m in love with Mr. Carlson, and if I were a homosexual, I would be proud to call him my boyfriend. I enjoy his show immensely, and I never miss an episode. In fact, I view it religiously every day on YouTube during lunch while I’m eating my banana. However, I was surprised to learn that he only has half the audience of his predecessor Bill O’Reilly. So even though Tucker is the biggest name on cable TV, perhaps the bigwigs were hoping to get a little more bang for their buck. But what do I know?

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “Tucker got fired!”

She said, “That sucks. Everybody in the neighborhood is disappointed.”

“It makes no sense.”

“The world seldom does. Yet don’t get depressed over it. Carlson wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.”

“Bullshit, Mom. I think that he would piss on me with a huge smile on his face. He’s simply that kind of guy.”

She shrugged. “What can you do?”

“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m switching over to the sodomites at CNN.”

“Well, Fox still has Jesse Waters, so I’m staying.”

I frowned at her. “Jesse Waters? You can’t be serious. He only has a double-digit IQ. His very presence on network television is a slap on the face to all red-blooded Americans.”

“I think you’re going overboard.”

My day at work went well. I’m currently reading Thank You, M’am by Langston Hughes with the middle school. It’s about a would-be purse snatcher named Roger who messes with the wrong woman. But instead of turning him over to the cops, she takes mercy on the boy and gives him ten bucks to buy a pair of blue-suede shoes. It sounds pretty fucking stupid, yet the tale is not without its charms. Most writers worth their salt are dyed-in-the-wool libtards, so you have to cut them some slack.

I looked at the students. “If Roger had tried to steal my wallet, I would have given him my money and then immediately called the police.”

A girl named Sophie raised her hand. “Why on earth would you give him your cash?”

“Because the setting for this story is Harlem, and the last thing I need is to get shot in the head by a criminal.”

“Are there a lot of guns in Harlem?”

I sighed heavily. “More than you can possibly imagine. In fact, you have to possess a pistol in order to join a gang. It’s a prerequisite.”

“Why are gangsters allowed to carry firearms?”

“Because they vote democrat.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Tell me about it.”

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