Little League

 

(I've never been athletic.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A pretty young lady named Cho Min got accepted to medical school at Pusan National University in 2019. People were angry because her dad was a bigwig in the government at the time, and the family was accused of academic fraud. Well, she managed to pass all her classes, and she was on her way to becoming a doctor. But not anymore! The government has decided to cancel her degree. Why? Because they’re a bunch of assholes. That’s the way Korean politics works. It’s dirty, cruel, and often barbaric.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Admiral John Kirby is a real partisan stooge. He stood up in a press conference and proudly declared that the operation in Afghanistan was a huge success. Yes. You heard that correctly. A success. Can you imagine being the parents of one of those dead Marines who was blown to bits during the withdrawal? The spirit of murder must be flowing through their veins right about now. My nation can’t handle another four years of the Biden administration. However, like I said the other day, we’re under God’s judgment and our future is in the hands of the Lord. If you don’t believe me, then read Paul’s letter to the Romans. The apostle lays out all the symptoms of a nation in distress.

My day at work went well. I’m still reading Vonnegut’s short story Harrison Bergeron to the middle school children. We’re on the part featuring the newscaster who has such a severe speech impediment that he can’t form any words. Harrison’s mother praises the man, saying that he deserves a pay raise for trying his best.

I said, “Kurt was really prescient when he scribbled this tale. Everybody gets a trophy in this day and age.”

One boy named Dave nodded in agreement. “That’s true. We got trophies when we graduated from elementary school.”

“It wasn’t like that back in my youth. But I’m an old man.”

A girl named Chrissy said, “Can you give us an example?”

“Sure. I’d be happy to.” I paused for a moment to think. “Take little league baseball. When I was a boy, we had to try out for the best teams. This included catching flyballs in the outfield and shagging grounders in the infield. We also had to show our batting skills in front of the coaches and parents.”

Chrissy said, “What happened if you sucked?”

I smiled. “Well, if you were good, you actually got a uniform and played against all the talented kids. But if you sucked,—your word, not mine—all they gave you was a t-shirt and a cap, and you were relegated to competing against the other losers.”

She said, “Did you make the cut?”

“I failed on two occasions. It was terrible. I waited by the phone for my call to the big leagues, but it never materialized. So they placed me on a team loaded with nerds and morons.”

The class let out a collective moan.

I suddenly snapped my fingers triumphantly. “But I succeeded during my third year. I played right field for a team sponsored by a restaurant called George’s Subs.”

Everybody applauded.

Chrissy said, “George’s Subs?”

“Yes, it was a sandwich shop.”

And this is 100-percent true. But my little anecdote contains some irony. When I was with the nerds and morons, I had a great time. Yet my stint in the big show was absolutely miserable. My teammates and coaches took it too seriously. They even cried after losses—including the adults. However, we went on to win the championship, no thanks to me.