Crybaby

 

(Passion is not my friend.)

Two nights ago, I had a strange dream. Dolly the dog could actually talk, and she expressed her dismay about her short life span. She wanted to live as long as humans. I told her to relax. It was all in God’s hands. But suddenly my eyes snapped open at 3 a.m., and I had to piss like a racehorse. So I ran to the toilet and relieved myself just in time. I was bursting at the seams. I think that I’m suffering from an enlarged prostate. I have to urinate quite frequently these days.

I tried to get back to sleep, but the sandman didn’t come. Therefore, I read the headlines on my smartphone instead. The richest part of Seoul is called Gagnam. This part of the city features many academies which specialize in math, science, and English. Wealthy parents send their kids to these places in order to improve their offspring’s government test scores. Anyway, people on the street were handing out free energy drinks to the children, claiming that the liquid would enhance their academic skills. But the refreshments were laced with ecstasy and meth. It turns out that Chinese gangsters are responsible for this crime. As you can imagine, the nation is in an uproar.

Later that morning, I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. The Dalia Lama did something really weird. He tried to French kiss a nine-year-old boy. You can find the video on Twitter. It’s pretty gross. I’m certainly no Q-Anon nut-job. Yet you can’t deny the truth. There are a lot of people in high places who seem to enjoy the company of youngsters a little bit too much.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Nurse Ken got suspended from work for a week?”

I was shocked. “What did he do?”

“They caught him studying during his downtime.”

“Downtime? You mean his break?”

“No. Occasionally, the store has no customers. So he uses these moments to go through the book you bought him.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “No big deal. He’s got to do what he’s got to do. But I’m curious about one thing. Who turned him in?”

“Nobody. He was caught by the CCTV camera.”

“Assholes.”

She nodded her head. “I agree completely. And I told him to look for another job. However, he likes this place because it’s close to home.”

“He’s also fond of that blonde-headed girl with the blue eyes.”

“He claims that he doesn’t like her.”

“I don’t believe that bullshit for a second.”

Nurse Ken takes his HESI Exam on May 25^th. I’m a little bit nervous. He has to get a good score to be officially admitted to the nursing program. Yet I’m sure he’ll do fine. He’s actually a smart kid. Plus he’s good at math and science. That’s where all the money is.

My day at work went well. I finally finished Vonnegut’s Harrison Bergeron with the middle schoolers. But another story came to mind when I was gabbing with the kids.

I said, “Have you ever read the tale about the little matchgirl?”

One child raised her hand. “Does she die at the end?”

I nodded. “She freezes to death because she’s afraid to go home to her abusive father. It will rip your heart right out of your chest.”

She said, “What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?”

“I appreciate Vonnegut because he never clubs me over the head with that type of raw emotion. Passion has always been my enemy. Deep in my soul, I’m nothing but a big crybaby.”