Tin-Foil Loon

(Perhaps I'm a loon.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A middle-school teacher in Seoul went a little nuts and started brandishing a pair of scissors at one of his colleagues in a hostile manner. Somebody called the cops, and now the guy is in hot water. The victim, however, has decided not to press charges. He simply wants the perpetrator to apologize for his actions. Good for him. What’s the point of holding a grudge?

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Award-winning journalist Matt Taibbi testified in front of congress on the issue of internet censorship. The libtards responded with insults. They suggested that he was getting paid by the GOP for his appearance. They also accused him of being a tin-foil hat loon who spreads conspiracy theories. But here’s the deal. Everybody—even the progressive left—knows that social media and the major television networks are carrying water for the democrats.

I called my mother using Facebook messenger.

I said, “How’s Nurse Ken? I keep calling, but he never answers.”

She said, “Don’t feel bad. He’s always with his friends. In fact, he went camping again this weekend with his buddies.”

“Boy, he’s a real social butterfly.”

She nodded. “He loves to be around people.”

“Good for him. Is he still talking a bunch of bullshit?”

“Well, he’s worried about the recent collapse of SVB. He thinks that I should take my money out of the bank.”

“Is your deposit insured?”

“Yes, up to a quarter million dollars.”

“Do you have that much cash?”

“Not even close.”

“Then you should be OK. Yet don’t trust my word. What do I know?”

The Dragon Lady took Dolly the dog to the animal hospital at 10 a.m. to get her fixed. But she returned an hour later. Once again, the vet refused to perform the operation. It has something to do with Dolly’s liver. Her organ is producing too many enzymes. I think. I really don’t understand science and scientific jargon, so I could be wrong. Anyway, my pooch was given medication, and the doctor will try again in two weeks.

At 1 p.m., my wife went with Rice-Boy Larry to a Korean noodle restaurant. I was by my lonesome, so I walked to McDonald’s with Dolly by my side. I drank a cup of coffee outside on the patio because puppies aren’t allowed indoors. I ran into a acquaintance of mine. Her name is Fat Freda, and we attend the same church. She decided to join me. Like me, Freda is on the heavy side. She was eating a quarter pounder with cheese and a large order of fries as we shot the bull.

She said, “I still can’t believe that you think the 2020 election was rigged. You seem like a somewhat intelligent man.”

As you can tell, my hefty friend is a libtard.

I said, “The deep state murdered President Kennedy. They blew his brains out because they were angry about the Bay of Pigs. Compared to that, fixing an election wouldn’t actually be that hard.”

“Still wearing that tin-foil hat, huh?”

“Have you ever seen the video of Jack Ruby murdering Lee Harvey Oswald?”

“Nope. Can’t say I have.”

“You should. You can find it on YouTube. He was a strip-club owner with mob ties. Nevertheless, he somehow managed to get a gun into a police station to silence Kennedy’s assassin. Kind of strange, isn’t it?”

She shrugged. “Shit happens.”

“I guess you also believe that Epstein hanged himself, too?”

“Do you have proof that he didn’t?”

“Nope.”

Maybe I'm nuts. But I will never accept in a thousand years the fact that Senile Joe got 81 million votes. That’s 15 more million than the rock star Barrack Obama. Is there any evidence to back my theory? Not a shred. Yet these numbers simply don’t pass the smell test. If that makes me a tin-foil loon, then so be it.