The Joy of Marriage

 

(Lots of marriages end in divorce.)

Yesterday, I got up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. There’s a hospital in Seoul which caters to treating alcoholics. Part of the program involves cleaning the premises. You know, mopping the hallways and scrubbing the windows. Crap like that. Anyway, Korea’s top court now says that it’s abuse turn the addicts into janitors. The judges see it as a form of humiliation. On a side note, I used to be a drunkard. But I’m currently too old to handle the booze, so I stick to soft drinks.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched The Five on Fox News. Tony Fauci is telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s not a liar or a criminal. He claims that those calling for his prosecution are nothing more than rabid political partisans. Yet there is a mounting pile of evidence against the dwarf. It’s been established that he and his friend Dr. Francis Collins funded the lab in Wuhan that unleashed all this death upon our world. It’s kind of funny in an ironic sort of way. The guy who is responsible for the pandemic is actually the one who was put in charge to manage it. Go figure.

Suddenly, Dolly the dog puked on the floor. This brought the ire of the Dragon Lady.

She looked at me with fire in her eyes. “You da ass-hoe!”

I said, “Why am I an asshole?”

“I tell you not to pway wid da dog. But you nevah risten. Now she seeck. Next time, maybe you keel her.”

“First of all, I wasn’t playing with the puppy. Secondly, stop calling me filthy names. If you want to talk, due it in a civilized mature fashion.”

“Fuck you! You da idiot!”

“Fine. I’m a fucking idiot.” I sighed heavily. “Maybe you should go live with your mother for a month or two. I could certainly use the break.”

This cut her off at the knees, and she shut those poisoned lips of hers. My wife no longer speaks to her mom. Why? My mother-in-law actually scratched the Dragon Lady’s name out of the will. It had nothing to do with bad feelings. It was a decision predicated on traditional Korean beliefs that all the money should go to the oldest boy. So my wife and her two sisters are shit out of luck. No cash for them.

Then I did something which I regret. I told her the unvarnished truth.

I said, “You’re an evil person. That’s why your kids don’t want to speak with you. And that’s why I don’t want to speak with you. And that’s why your own family never calls you anymore. You’re all alone in this world, crazy lady.”

I felt extremely guilty and depressed as I drove to work. I’m not a huge believer in the truth. In fact, I’m more into the notion of telling people sweet little lies—just as the song says. Besides, I don’t need rotten unhappy people to dragging me down to their level. The last thing I’d ever want to be is a savage brute.

Rice-Boy Larry could sense my anxiety.

He said, “What’s wrong?”

I said, “Honestly? I’d like to go back to America, but I’d feel guilty if I left your mother behind.”

“Why the guilt? She has it coming.”

“She has it coming? What does that even mean?”

“She brings misery into everybody’s life with her outrageous behavior.”

“What do you think she’d do if I packed up and left?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Probably jump out the window. Nobody else will put up with her bullshit.”