Getting a Job

 

(Larry wants to work.)

Yesterday, I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry in the passenger seat of my SUV. I currently own a Hyundai Santa Fe which is now 14 years old. Soon, it’s going to shit the bed, and I’ll be forced to take the bus. What can I say? I’m a broke dead dick who can barely afford a bicycle. But things could always be worse. At least I’m not a slave at a cobalt mine in the Republic of Chad. That would really suck. I always try to look on the bright side of life. My optimism is the key to my happy and sassy personality.

Anyway, I struck up a conversation with my son as we tooled along the highway.

He said, “I’m thinking of getting a job.”

I said, “Is that legal at your age?”

He nodded. “You only have to be fifteen in Korea to be employed. However, I can’t work around alcohol.”

“That makes sense. They don’t want you kids exposed to the drunks.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Can you deal with the humiliation you might receive from your peers?”

“Screw those assholes. They can make fun of me all they want.”

Korean teenagers from good families never engage in part-work work. It’s a sign of poverty and bad breeding. Rather, they’re supposed to spend every waking minute studying to get into good universities. It’s all very Confucian and foreign to me. I don’t understand the mindset, nor do I wish to be enlightened. It is what it is.

Rice-Boy Larry turned the tables on me. He said, “Can you handle the humiliation?”

I sighed heavily. “Yes and no. If you find a gig on the weekends, then I’ll give you the green light. But try to avoid working during the week. It might interfere with your grades.”

I’m probably going to be subjected to pity from the Asian teachers at my school. They will see this as an example of my financial failure. However, unlike Larry, my reputation and image are important to me. But what’s a father to do? I’m certainly not going to stand in the boy’s way. He has every right in the world to earn an extra buck.

We got to church ten minutes early and sat in the back. The crowd started filing in shortly after, and we all began singing Christian contemporary music for a full thirty minutes. After that, the pastor spoke about the prophesies of Isaiah for an hour or so. The preacher fervently believes that the second coming is right around the corner and that Jesus is due back any day now. He’s a convincing speaker. Every morning I check the sky for Christ’s return. I kid you not.

Later in the afternoon, I watched the fight between Ciryl Gane and Jon Bones Jones. I thought it was going to be a great match, but I was wrong. Gane simply can’t wrestle, and Jones choked him unconscious in less than two minutes. Jon’s next opponent is Stipe Miocic. Perhaps that future bout will be more entertaining.

I eventually went to bed at 10 p.m. I dreamt that I nearly missed my flight to America. In fact, I had to literally claw through the door in order to enter the airplane. As I walked through the cabin, everybody applauded and clapped me on the back.

The alarm went off at 6 a.m., and I made myself a cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A subway stabbing occurred in the city of Yongin. A 37-year-old woman was talking with her friends when she was told to lower her voice by the other passengers. They derisively called her an ajumma—which is Korean for aunt. It is a term used for older women. Anyway, the lady went nuts and attacked three people with a knife. One of the victims is currently in the hospital. Luckily, nobody was killed.