The Joy of Sam's Club

 

(The bargains are fantastic.)

Yesterday, I watched Tucker Carlson in my mother’s television room. She has comfortable leather chairs that recline this way and that with the flick of a button. Mom has much more money than me. Anyway, there’s some bad stuff happening in Brazil. The people have stormed the capitol demanding transparency in their elections. American libtards are blaming President Trump and Steve Bannon for the hubbub. What’s the actual truth? Who knows? But when a population loses faith in their democracy, the shit is always going to hit the fan. This shouldn’t come as a big surprise. It’s only commonsense.

Mom said, “You ought to come back to America.”

I said, “Where would I stay? I don’t have two nickels to rub together.”

“You would live with me until you got on your feet.”

“I’d probably be stuck in a trailer park out in the desert.”

She shrugged. “What’s the big deal?”

“I don’t know. It seems like a step backwards.”

“Lots of folk live in trailer parks. Are you a snob or something?”

“No. We all have to do what we can to survive.”

Mom paused for a second. “Why don’t you just live with me?”

“How about your husband? The last thing I want to do is impose.”

“It’s not an imposition. You’d be a great help.”

“I’ll think about it.”

But there’s no way I can live with my mom at my age. The mere thought is downright humiliating. I’d rather take up residence under a bridge. Besides, South Korea isn’t that bad. I have the equivalent of a green card. Plus my job is somewhat enjoyable. Things could always be worse. At least I wasn’t born in Djibouti. Furthermore, I’ve never had to resort to eating insects in order to survive. I’m an eternal optimist. The glass is always half-full when I’m looking at it. I’m a real happy retard in that respect.

I went to bed at 1 a.m. and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Then I woke up at 8 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a dump. Most Korean women these days aren’t getting married until their 30s. This is a huge problem because nobody is having babies. The entire race is dying out. I shit you not. I blame it on feminism. Asian females are some of the most educated in the entire world and filled with ambition. They want to be bankers and doctors, and consequently have no time to clean the house and raise rugrats. On the peninsula, homemakers are viewed as losers. Plus it’s tough to keep a household going with a single paycheck.

Later in the day, I went to Sam’s with Mom and Rice-Boy Larry. I bought four short-sleeved collared shirts for ten bucks apiece.

I said, “This is fantastic. It would cost two or three times more than this back home.”

Mom frowned. “Korea is not your home. You’re an American, and don’t forget it.”

“You get what I’m trying to say.”

She changed the subject. “Is there anything else you want?”

“Let’s go to the bakery section.”

So we wheeled are cart to the back of the store in order to browse through the pastries. I purchased a cherry pie and twenty-four miniature cupcakes. Both the pie and the cakes were packed in clear plastic containers. They looked absolutely delicious.

Mom said, “What about your diet?”

I shrugged. “I’m only human.”

Sadly, I’ve spent most of the evening gorging on junk food. I’m so full that I can barely move. Oh well. What’s a boy to do?